Emmett Shaves Ten Years Off Leah's Life
by lostmidtranslation
Summary: Emmett and Jasper decide to mess with Leah's head. On her Birthday. At her party. That's going to go well, isn't it?


Disclaimer: Anything you recognise is not mine. I just enjoy messing with them

**Emmett Shaves Ten Years Off Leah's Life.**

-.- Emmett -.-

I padded down the stairs and smirked, biting my lip to hide the guffaw that was dying to slip out of my mouth. I just hoped Jasper wasn't too far behind me – we had been totally into this, trying to make her birthday just that little bit more fun for us.

See, Esme had insisted on Leah having her birthday over at our place, which begged the question, _what could we pull?_ As soon as we'd heard... well, as soon as Carlisle had told us, Rose and Alice had gone insane with party planning - at twenty-one, Leah was the oldest of our circle of friends and we wanted to celebrate it, since we would only hit that age... the twelfth of never, I think it was.

We'd not figured for the amount of imprints that would be turning up, probably with their Wolves standing faithfully by their sides. The house was going to reek of mutt for weeks afterwards, and even Bella, our resident wolf-loving vampire was having second thoughts about the deal.

So Jasper and I had had a small meeting. Just the two of us. We decided we couldn't let Leah's _sleepover _go un-pranked, and we spent the best part of three days thinking up something. We had considered soakings, replacing shampoo with sheep-dip, blue dyes, anything and everything. Leave it to Alice to come up with the fantastic idea.

I say fantastic. I think she owes the pair of us dinner at some stage. Because if Leah catches us, we're toast.

-.-

We waited until all the wolves had gone home, probably to Jacob's house, probably to watch football or something, and probably to eat until they were sick. Renesmee was running around like a lunatic child – nothing out of the ordinary there, except it took quite an effort not to walk into her – and the other girls... well, women, were sitting in the kitchen, talking about nothing in particular. _Excellent._

I couldn't resist pulling off some amazing military hand gestures which Jasper was supposed to read as "Fifteen, in Kitchen. Move around the perimeter to gain access to the upstairs rooms."

it earned me a smack around the back of the head – that didn't hurt, and an intense feeling of shame and general crapness overwhelmed me for a full minute. That hurt my pride, and Jazz knew it. He was smirking at me with equal amounts of amusement and _you're pathetic _coming off him in waves.

We scampered past the kitchen unseen and unheard, though I'm sure Alice knew what we were about to do, because we both froze on the stairs as a small voice said-

"Alice, are you alright? Are you having a vision?"

"No, no... I saw a fly." She didn't sound so easy-going as she usually did. "It went-"

"Oh..."

The pair of us let out a sigh of relief and crept up into Jasper's room. I hadn't been here in an age, usually he left it locked – I was starting to wonder what he and Alice did in here when they disappeared alone, but it seemed as though his room was filled with varying degrees of mess, clothes and musical instruments.

"Dude, when did you last clear up in here?" He looked at me, shrugged and looked at the floor.

"Probably about six months ago? I don't know. Something like that." He mumbled. I laughed as he started to pick up the clothes, flatten them out and hang them back up. When we could see the floor again, he stopped.

It must have taken all of three minutes, but it dragged like hell.

"Right, man." I said authoritatively, as Jasper looked at me expectantly. "I suppose we oughta get this done? No time like the present..."

Jasper moved to his closet and pulled out two packages, throwing one to me.

"Alice said we'd better not ruin them if Leah decides to go for us. They were quite expensive, 'parrently."

I nodded appreciatively and looked down at the package. On top, in Alice's horrific scrawl, were three words.

_It's your funeral._

-.- Jasper -.-

I followed Emmett down the stairs, trying to suppress my laughter and any amusement that was rising in me. I couldn't help projecting when I got like this... and it didn't bode well if they felt the fun before they saw it.

Doing my damnedest to hang back for as long as possible, I shoved Emmett forward at the bottom of the stairs and waited for him to enter the living room. He knocked twice then pushed the door open, speeding into the room so he was almost invisible, sitting down and crossing his legs beside Leah as if he'd been there all the time. I realised that he was expecting me to join them, and was one hundred percent thankful that my darling wife had decided to buy me decent ones.

Emmett was sitting in the living room, surrounded by fifteen women.

All sixteen of them were wearing silk, revealing chemise's. Leah's was coupled with boy-shorts, Bella's was worn with an attractiv-

_My Wife has a LOT to answer for. _

The only person I was interested in watching here, no matter how interesting the other ladies' garments were, was Emmett.

His... _eveningwear _was a soft, baby-pink. And it barely skimmed his thighs. I wanted to throw up just looking at him.

Rosalie looked like she was going to tear him apart. Well. She was going to pounce, at least. I was slightly worried for Emmett's safety, actually, since most of the room was filled with a suddenly angry atmosphere. Admittedly, my wife was mildly amused, and Bella was just stunned.

But Leah. She was something else. She was beyond furious.

-.-

Ten minutes later, I was sitting beside my wife, wearing my quality linen pyjamas, watching Leah run around our garden, in her wolf form, attempting to catch and kill my brother.

She wasn't getting far, but her fury wasn't going to diminish for a while. Alice figured she'd be out there all night, growling, biting and chasing. Emmett's chemise blew in the wind and I winced. Leah howled angrily and started after him once again.

Oh, you could always count on Leah for your laughs.

-.-

A/N: Hello. I thought you might like this.

It's a bit of a humour fail. But it's a bit fun too.

It's also for MsJacobBlack, because we came up with this idea quite accidentally, talking together about Jackson Rathbone in Pyjamas (Again, a bit of a random, weird thought, but he's lovely, that Jackson Rathbone :] )

So, I hope you enjoyed it.

And Hey, hit the lovely review button, guys!!!

Love ya!

xxx


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